It has been three whole weeks since my last blog entry.
I was waiting until I had something interesting to write about.
What I think is kind of interesting/funny are the many mood swings I have been getting as a result of my Honours course.
People always told me Honours was going to be hard, but I didn't know it would be quite like this. It is really hard. I think the hardest thing about it is the constant panic/guilt you feel.
I've never had this kind of thing before.
I am more stressed out now than I have ever been before in my life.
I am living in a period of fluctuating stress levels, some days I feel like I am only a little stressed and am coping, other days my stress levels are through the roof and I feel like I am drowning and cannot possibly save myself.
OH DEAR!
I don't realise I am stressed out all the time, but then when I find myself waking up in the morning at 8am in a panic because I need to study, I start to believe it.
ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!
I was never good at handling stress. If anyone ever tells me they need to talk to me about something serious I completely flip out and can't handle it. If someone is mad at me, can't handle it. If I've potentially upset someone, can't handle it. If someone is having a hard time and I can't help them, I can't handle it.
The Honours Panic hits me in the early morning/late evening. It is the little voice that says: "YOU NEED TO DO MORE STUDDDDYYYY!!!! YOU AREN'T DOING ENOUGH!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Its fueled mainly by a fear of failing, and it is terrifying.
I have had spells of Honours Panic that have led to near-hyperventilation. My being overdramatic does not help this.
The Honours Guilt is potentially worse though. I get this whenever I am not studying. Which, unfortunately, is too often. The little voice pretty much screams the same thing as the Honours Panic, only its more of a niggling. It also leaves me feeling really bad if I haven't studied enough at any given time.
Today for example, my lecture was cancelled because my lecturer is sick. I spent the day hanging out with people. When I drove home at 7pm, THE HONOURS GUILT SETS IN!
So while I eat my dinner I also do a reading and try to take down some notes.
Curse you Honours Guilt.
Its probably for the best that I have it though.
I am usually like this, still stressed but it doesn't show outwardly too much. I can laugh and smile and be happy, but if someone asks how I am I tell them I am BUSY BUSY BUSY. I lull myself into a false sense of security, thinking I can take a break from my study and it'll be fine.
NEK MINUTE...
I FEEL LIKE I'M FAILING AT LIFE! I HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH WORK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PASS HONOURS IF I DON'T DO THE WOOOORRRRRKKKKK!!?!??!?! OH MY GOOOSSSSHHHHH!!!! !!#@$!#%$^$^*%&(#%&#
Yep. Its great.
But anyway, don't get me wrong, I am stoked I have the opportunity to be at Uni doing Honours, I just need to do some more work or the guilt will begin to set in again.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I SHOULD BE STUDYING!!!!
:)