Death Is Never Convenient

Hopefully this post isn't too morbid.

Two days ago, Lyndon's grandmother passed away.
It was expected but that didn't make it any less sad to hear about.


I've been thinking about it a lot since it happened.


I found out while I was at my sister-in-law's baby shower.

I felt disappointed that we were told the news of the ending of this life while celebrating the unborn life of this baby.

But it just reminded me, death is never convenient.



I don't suppose there will ever be a time where you say "Okay, you can die now" and that's the way it happens.

That sounds really bad when I say it like that.

Indeed, it doesn't really ever happen at a good time.


Nana Greer lived a long and mostly happy (from what I know about her) life.
Of course she went through hardships, most notably the premature loss of her son (Lyndon's dad) but she made it to 92 years which is a lot older than my grandmothers ever got.

So for that I'm grateful. Sure, her passing into the afterlife didn't come at a super convenient time, but when does it ever?

That brings me to my next point.




Both my grandmothers died at inconvenient times.




My Ouma Martie was sick for most of 2013, I remember flying up to see her in June because my Dad told me she was dying.

I was distraught. I remember telling Lyndon (who I  wasn't dating yet but was laying the ground work for) that she was dying and I had to go say goodbye, Nek Minnit, I was on the next plane out of Dunedin.

When I saw her, she was still mostly okay. Her mind was all muddled though and she kept telling me she didn't know it was my birthday (it wasn't).

I said my goodbyes and came back to Dunedin. In August, a mere day before my cousin Emil's 25th birthday, she died.

Emil had planned a birthday party for that coming weekend which he had to cancel.

That one wasn't TOO BAD because like Nana Greer, it was expected.





But it was still hard.

I didn't realise til later how much I actually relied on her through the years and how much she meant to me. Was a very sobering realisation.






My Ouma Tossie's passing was even worse.

She was preparing to fly to New Zealand for my wedding, and she had a really bad fall.

She ended up in hospital.

And things just got worse from there.

She sent me a card apologising for not being able to make it to the wedding and telling me she'd give me my wedding present when she finally arrived in New Zealand.

She died before the letter even got to me.




I found out during my Hen's Weekend in Christchurch.

It was really hard because I couldn't break down and cry like I wanted to.

I was with my friends and they had come together to celebrate my last week of bachelorette-ness so I didn't think it was right that I just fell apart and lost it in front of them.

So I put the feelings of grief into a box and stored it away inside me, to revisit later.



But I never revisited it.


I told people she had died the night I found out, hoping that I wouldn't be questioned about it on my wedding day a week later.

I wasn't (thank Goodness) but every now and then I would feel bad for not mourning her death like I've done for everyone else.

If you know me you'll know that I mourn the deaths of most people and animals that I've had some kind of relationship with.

It just breaks my heart.


So the fact I haven't processed my grandmother's death was really hard on me.


I had to be happy though. It was my wedding. But there was still a nagging part of me that didn't want to be happy.



When people said "YAY ITS YOUR WEDDING WEEK!" I wanted to scream "MY GRANDMOTHER IS DEAD!"



But I didn't do that.




Like I said, death is never convenient.


I hope when I go to Nana Greer's funeral I'll have a chance to feel sad and cry and try to grieve not only her loss,  but the loss of my Ouma Tossie who died almost a year ago now.







Sorry if this blog post is morbid, but I had to get it out of my system.



Thank you for reading and God bless x