Why I Stopped Drinking

Its really late and I should probably be in bed because I have church in the morning, but I felt compelled to write this!

Lately I have been talking a lot with people about my drinking in the past. As you may or may not know, my dear blog readers, I have been sober for almost two years now. Prior to this however, I quite enjoyed drinking and essentially getting wasted. It pretty much became part of my identity. I know that might sound really lame, but honestly, I thought my excessive drinking was what made me "cool" and why people wanted to be friends with me and hang out with me or whatever. 

Its ironic really because even now as a sober person, I am able to act more drunk than the people who are actually consuming alcohol around me...

This is a photo from my first year at University. I loved that wine, it was my favourite and I'd happily drink a whole bottle by myself. 

I'm sure for most of you out there that's no big deal though. I'm not condoning what I did, but I also don't judge those who prefer to maintain a lifestyle of drinking heaps like I used to have. But for me, obviously something changed, something lead me to give it up for good and that's what I want to write about.

It has come to my attention that while a lot of people know I don't drink alcohol anymore, most of them don't actually know the reasons why.

I guess it really started to get out of hand at the start of my second year at University. I was out of the hall of residence I had been living in the previous year, and this meant that I was able to have alcohol around me all the time, and I could drink whenever I pleased. It got to the point where I was drinking before class (yes I went to class slightly drunk), I would drink after class, if I was bored, if I was sad, and if I was in a good mood but wanted to be in a BETTER mood! People say alcohol is a depressant, well for me it isn't a depressant til much later. 

When I started drinking I would be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HYPPPPEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR but then eventually I'd crash and then BOOM! Super depressed. 

When I hit the depression part, I would spiral. This was especially bad in my second year because my beloved doggie Brutus (11-ish years old) was put down only a few months beforehand and I wasn't dealing with it very well. When I was drunk I would cry about it a lot. I remember sitting on the pavement across the road from the Monkey Bar and just crying and crying and crying. I remember telling someone I didn't "want to do this anymore" [drink alcohol] but this wasn't enough to stop me.

I had always struggled with giving alcohol up. If you've read my testimony (http://girlthateatschips.blogspot.co.nz/2011/04/my-testimony.html) then you would be somewhat well versed in this by now. But eventually I was convicted by God (yes, you read that right) to give up alcohol if I was going to follow Him with everything I had. I couldn't keep pretending to be a loyal Christian and then get wasted every weekend and have a secret addiction to alcohol that I wasn't telling anyone about. I was pretty much a hypocrite. I wasn't living a life to be proud of. I was no different to someone who didn't know about or believed in God, so what was the point of calling myself a Christian?

I'm sure you see my line of thought even if you don't agree with what I'm saying.

So I gave alcohol up. Just like that. Cold turkey. I still remember my last drunken night in town with my friends. I think I even knew at that point that something was about to change (even though I didn't know at the time it was my last drunken night in town). I was over it though. I didn't enjoy getting wasted anymore, and I wanted something to change but didn't really have the will to do it at that point.

But it did happen. And for over a year it was going really well! People have become accustomed to the fact I don't drink. I'm teetotal (that's an awesome word, you should look it up).

Lately though....

I want to drink again.

I'm not going to lie. This year has been hard. I go to all these Honours events with free alcohol and it would be so easy to just have a few beers... no one would even know...

I don't know why this has become a problem for me again. And it leads me to wonder if I'll ever be able to drink moderately ever again. At this point I just want to drink HEAPS until I forget everything. I want the escape.

I think Honours and the uncertainty of my future is stressing me out.

But I'm going to stay strong.

The hardest thing for me now is when my friends drink in front of me. 

I know I can't go through my life asking my friends not to do that because I have a self-control problem, but a part of me just wants them to understand why I don't drink anymore and how they can potentially help me.

As my friends, wouldn't they want to do that?

Don't get me wrong, I want to start drinking again but I'm not going to.

I've been through all that drama and I'm not willing to undo all my progress just because I'm not coping well.

I just wanted you, blog readers, to understand why I don't drink anymore.

I think I have a drinking problem. Maybe you don't agree with me, and that's OK, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not willing to start drinking again. At least not any time soon. :)