Lost

Dearest Blog Readers,

I don't know what I'm up to.
In my life.

I went to my friend Dylan's 21st tonight at 10 Bar.
Ye Olde Ten Bar
I remember going there in First Year (not too often though because I was fresher and its an unwritten rule that freshers stay out of the Octagon, or "Octy" as it is affectionately called by Scarfie Bar-Attendees). I went there more often in Second Year... I think... I don't really remember.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

But anyway.
21sts make me very contemplative.
I contemplate my life.
What have I achieved thus far?
Where am I going?
What am I still doing at University?
Why am I doing Honours in Film Studies?
Does any of this even matter?


I want my piece of paper. I want an Honours degree.
But the in-between part is still confusing for me.

I guess I just expected my life to be different by now.
I'm not saying I'm not grateful for the life I have, because I really am.
I'm so blessed to be able to even attend University, let alone for four years now.
And I was walking through campus today and it is SO FLIPPING BEAUTIFUL!
Seriously, Otago University is gorgeous. All the trees, and the grass, and the Leith, and that fancy clocktower of ours. We are lucky Scarfies.

So why write a blog about this?
I don't know. It helps me to process I guess.
And it is my blog and people expect to read random stuff so its not like you're getting anything other than what you came for :-P


I just don't know what I'm up to.
Tonight I wanted to drink.
I don't know why. I'm jealous of my Christian friends who drink.
I want to believe I can drink again and have it be fine, but I don't know.

I feel like I'm stuck.

I need something to change.
Maybe its my attitude.
Maybe its my outlook on life.

There are some things I thought I was over, that I'd grown out of and matured through, but now I'm starting to feel like that isn't the case.
Could be the temptation to drink again, could be relationships that aren't what I thought they were, realising that I don't really know what I'm doing at all.

Its hard. Feeling like you don't know what you're doing.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?
To quote a musician I'm a fan of: This might just be a quarter(ish) life crises, or just a stirring in my soul.


Kinda sounds like that might be it.