I felt it was time to write a blog post again.
I actually decided I would write about this topic awhile back, as I had a friend who was struggling with getting over a girl.
I know most people would have tips on how to get over someone (and don't say "get under someone else" because that's not what I mean!), but the tips I have actually worked REALLY WELL for me.
I thought it was my duty to share these with you.
I don't claim to know everything, but I do know a little about what it's like when you love someone and they don't love you back.
So some context:
A few years back, I met a guy.
I thought he was perfect for me.
We became friends.
We spent a lot of time together.
I thought that even though he said he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with me, he would change his mind.
He didn't.
He lead me on.
I kissed him and he kissed me back.
He made me feel like we were a couple.
We weren't.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore.
I wanted more, and he didn't want to give that to me.
We said we loved each other but I was IN LOVE with him.
He probably knew it.
I don't class this guy as an ex-boyfriend.
Because we were never a couple (he made sure of that)
But the feelings I had for him were stronger than those I had for previous boyfriends.
He was, in my own words, a "pretend boyfriend".
Before Lyndon I actually had a total of three pretend boyfriends, and Lyndon was actually my fourth pretend boyfriend until he turned into a real one.
You can already see how messed up this was.
It left me feeling worthless.
Like I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend.
And like he was just using me to gratify himself.
When I told my friend and esteemed relationship expert Keron about my situation, he was horrified.
He told me to end it immediately.
I told him I couldn't.
I needed this guy in my life.
He was everything.
Keron told me that I had to end it.
I continually refused.
He said if I didn't, the pain would only get worse.
Eventually, and I don't really know how, Keron convinced me to end things.
He had a list of rules for me, which are what my tips that I will be sharing with you today are based on.
1. Do not call, text, email, Facebook message or nothing.
This probably seems obvious, but you have to continually remind yourself of this when you're going through a break-up. The "or nothing" refers to Facebook stalking, trawling their Instagram, leaving comments you know they will see and potentially respond to, etc.
2. Avoid them at all costs.
You are essentially on an "EX BAN". I know that might sound harsh but it's WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO GET OVER THEM! Out of sight, out of mind. I cannot tell you how helpful this was for me. Keron put me on a ban for six months. He said that if we'd been more involved (like, sexually or whatever) it would have been A YEAR! But thankfully we'd only kissed a few times so he thought six months would suffice. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere I knew this guy would be.
3. Do not talk about them.
Or in my case, write songs about them. Before I broke up with this guy I deliberately wrote a song called "The Last Song", which I told ALMOST EVERYONE was the last song I would ever write about him. I knew if I didn't do this I would keep wallowing in my misery and writing a billion songs about how awful he was to me. It was also extremely hard but during my six month ban I worked really hard to never say anything about the guy. I was prone to tearing him down behind his back to our friends and I really didn't want to do that anymore.
4. Have accountability people.
Because this guy and I had different friend groups, I had a range of people I told about my break-up and asked them to keep me accountable. If they saw me talking to him or hanging around in places where he would normally be, they would have to take me aside and ask me what I was doing. I knew that if I didn't share the news of the break-up with certain people I could easily sneak around and see this guy without my other friends finding out. I didn't want this to happen.
Funnily enough, Lyndon was one of these accountability friends, as he and I were quite close when I was going through this break-up. Yup. He was there through it, the poor dear.
5. Don't count down the days.
The last thing you want to be doing when you're on a ban is count down how much time you have left until you can see and talk to the person you are banned from seeing. When I first broke up with the guy, I checked off each day as I went, but after a few months, it didn't matter to me anymore and I stopped. It actually blows my mind how obsessed I was with this guy and makes me feel soooo grateful that Keron helped me the way he did.
6. Get on with your life.
There is a good reason you have ended the relationship, so realise that its for the best and move on.
Life is still worth living. You don't need to wallow in the pain. It's not worth it. It probably does make for good songwriting, but you need to give that up eventually too. I probably could've written a whole album during the six months I was banned from seeing that guy, but Keron told me it wasn't worth it.
The last thing I'll say is, even though you get an idea of how deep I was into the relationship, it was a lot worse than I can even describe.
Ending my relationship with him, effectively CUTTING HIM OUT OF MY LIFE, was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
And it sucked.
A lot.
When I accidentally ran into him on the street, I had a meltdown. I cried and cried and even went out and bought alcohol.
I was really messed up.
But I got better.
And I got over it.
And by the end of the six months, I didn't care that the ban was over.
I didn't need him in my life anymore, nor did I want him in it.
That was probably the most satisfying feeling.
Knowing that I didn't need him.
If you are going through a break up, I know how much it sucks. But you can get through it, and you'll feel SO MUCH BETTER once you're on the other side.
Be strong.
I hope this has helped x
p.s- Don't forget to check out my album, most songs are written about the guy written about in this blog
https://martinette.bandcamp.com/album/sweeping-statements
