Well I Guess This Is Growing Up

My first blog entry as a 22 year old!
To be honest, I don't really feel THAT different, but being 22 still takes some getting used to. Its such a random number. 22. I guess a part of me feels like life stops at 21.

I'm writing this at Uni, which is pretty weird. I feel exposed down here in the computer suite!!! Anybody can see that I am blogging. How lame am I? Hahaha.. Blogs are funny.. anyway I'm going off on a tangent..

So in case you didn't hear already, I found out yesterday that I will no longer be studying at the University of Otago. My plan, up until yesterday, was to finish my English Degree. I was in no way ready to stop being a student just yet. I was going to take another semester to polish off a few more papers and then BOOM! Double major.

But no.

As fate would have it, I was rudely awoken to the reality that I would need 10 more papers to complete my English Degree. 10. Not the 4 or 5 I had initially thought.
That was going to take more than a semester.

So I considered my options.
I could put myself through a hellish year of doing 10 English papers (I flippin' hate English with all my being, and doing the 6 English papers in the first 3 years at Uni felt like torture) OR I could do a Masters Degree in Film Studies OR I could hang up my book bag and Uni ID Card and start living my life in the real world.
I talked to my Dad about it, and we decided that the 3rd option was the best.

I told him I was confused about my future, to which he responded that he was quite sure I have been confused ever since I left high school and told him I was going to study Film and Media Studies.
I guess that may be true...
But I don't regret what I studied!!!!!!

I have loved studying film, and I know one day I will be able to use MOST of what I learned, if not as a film critic then at least as someone who works in the film industry.

I have loved my time as a student, and I'm going to miss it immensely.
I can't even imagine my life after University.
Four years.
I would like to stay longer but its mostly because I am terrified of change and I am reasonably good at being a student. I've always enjoyed attending lectures, and I even like writing essays. As weird as that is.
I like writing, if you haven't gathered that already... (you're actually reading my blog right now).



So, what's next for me?

That is a question I don't exactly know the answer to.
I am staying in Dunedin. That's one thing I know. And I hope to get a good job somewhere, if not working in film/media stuff than at least something that will help me save up some money.
The world is my oyster, as people say. I will probably need to leave Dunedin next year, but I'll worry about that later.

For now, Dunedin is my home. And I'm not leaving just yet.
Church is pumping, I have some awesome friends, and until I feel God calling me to depart this fair city, I will be sticking around..


Being a grown-up is scary. My future is unknown, but at least I know that if worst comes to worst, I'll always be able to call Dunedin my home. I LOVE YOU, DUNEDIN!


With that, I leave you. Many thanks for reading my introspective ramblings. You are truly awesome.

Here is a picture of me back when I was 18. Twas such a simpler time back then. x

#Disappointment.

This is hard to write.
But I figure the world is going to find out about it eventually.
Its the kind of thing you can't keep hidden forever.
I'm not writing it as a Facebook status as I feel it would just be down-buzzing for everyone.


If you are reading this, it means you read my blog and you actually made an effort to leave Facebook and come to this website in order to read what this #Disappointment is.


I didn't get First Class Honours.
I can't even believe it.
I just assumed everyone got First Class. You never really hear about anyone getting Second Class First Division (well I have, but only once).
Everyone always goes on about how they got First Class.
Anything else isn't good enough.

I completely f-ed up my Honours year clearly.
Not gonna lie- I've had a bit of a cry. I'm just so disappointed in myself.

I already gathered that academic writing wasn't really for me, but I tried really hard.
Guess it wasn't hard enough though.

I am having a pity party,
This is me having a pity party.


Waah. Feel bad for me. #Firstworldproblems.




I'm such a disappointment.



This sucks.



I told everyone if I didn't get First Class my life was going to be over.
So this is my life being over.
Yes, I'm being a drama queen.



I just had a cry to my parents. My dad told me he doesn't care I got 2nd Class 1st Division.
I thought he would be super upset with me but he told me that he is proud I passed Honours and that at the end of the day none of this stuff even matters.

But it matters to me!!!!!

He said that God loves me and Jesus died for me and that is all that actually matters. Haha...
Mum told me to go watch X Factor to make me feel better. And eat a tim tam.
Dad also told me I'm not allowed to cry about this again so I'll try not to.
But I feel sad.




I need a hug.

Recording my EP

So this week has been pretty interesting!
I got a job for SUMMER which is awesome and I am super stoked about it!

"What is my job?" I hear you ask, well its basically just being a caregiver. Looking after people in their homes. I know what you are thinking, I'm not very caring or whatever, but I actually am THANKYOUVERYMUCH and I really enjoy it, so there!

Not only am I working now, but I have also been in the recording studio with my friends Matt and Matt. I like to call them Matt squared. Matt2. They are both University Music Degree Graduates so they know what they are doing!

The EP will only contain 5 songs, even though I have written a few other songs within the last few weeks. It would be cool if they could make it onto the EP too but at this point that's not going to happen.

So far we have recorded almost all the guitar parts, put the drums and the bass in there and Matt2 have also programmed some strings and stuff. My song Stars is sounding SO EPIC!!!!
It's all very exciting.

I will be holding a release party for the EP once it's finished, not entirely sure on when though. I would like to have it sooner rather than later, but I might have to wait until University is back up and running and the majority of my music supporters are back in town. No point having a release party and no-one turning up.

The fact that I'm even recording an EP is a huge deal to me.
It was on my Bucket List. I was gonna try to do it before I was 23 (don't know why I picked that age, just did) but I didn't know if it was ever going to happen. Luckily for me, I have friends who believe in my music! So I offer the massivest thank you to all the people who contributed to the making of this EP. When Chloe told me about it I almost cried. I feel so blessed and grateful. You guys are awesome and I love you.



That's all from me! Here are some photos that Matt took of the recording process. We have only been in the studio for a week and I'm not entirely sure how much longer we will need. We haven't even gotten around the vocals yet!

 Me sleeping. It was 10am. I'd been up since 6.30am. I was tired, ok?

 Me smiling, because it's all coming together and it's AWESOME!

Recording stuff! To be honest I don't really know how to work the software at all, but I do know where the record button is so that's something.

Honours Year : Complete.

Hello Blog,

So today I handed in my dissertation. It was scary, I spent most of the morning beforehand pacing around my room and feeling nervous. Its the same feeling you get before you write an exam, well, that's how I feel before I write exams. I'm not sure if anybody else does...

ANYWAY!

So I'm finished now. It's a pretty weird feeling, I don't think it has fully sunken in yet.. Sunken in.. is that even grammatically correct? I'm at Chloe's flat right now watching Taken with Emil, Joe and Chloe so if I spell something wrong or write badly structured sentences its because I'm distracted.

This movie is AWESOME! Emil hasn't seen it so that's why I am watching it for the 6th time. SO MUCH GOODNESS!

Back to what I wanted to say though.

Honours has been such an incredible journey.

In my 'Acknowledgement' section of my dissertation I didn't get a chance to name all the people who have made this year bearable/fun/everything that it has been.

I would like to thank Jono Guy for all his encouragement, for phoning me and answering all my questions and just checking that I was handling everything OK.

Thanks Lizzie for always being enthusiastic and full of compliments. Thank you Chloe, Joe Chambers, Tim, Joel Hoo, Karam, Matt A, Matt W, Ryan, Chris and Emil for hanging out with me and making me remember that there is a life outside of Honours.

My Life Group - thank you for always being there for me, I love you guys heaps and will always cherish my memories with you. It has been such a fun few years doing life with you all.

All the encouraging church people like Huei, Johnny, Keron, Kim, etc. etc. there are so many people I want to thank, I can't even think to name them all!!!!!!

I love my Elim family so much, you guys are awesome and I can't even imagine leaving, but I know I will probably have to one day. :'(

To my flatmates, Joella and Katie, thanks for making the flat so calm and stress free! It has been AH-MAY-ZING. Thanks for understanding why I'd lock myself away in my room for hours on end in order to work on my dissertation. Also, thanks for all the fun Tim Tam slam times and making me come down and have hot drinks with you.

Thanks to Samantha and Jason for the lunch dates and Briar and Jonny for our weekly Iced Chocolate hangouts. I always looked forward to it and in the midst of the craziest semester of my life I feel like it really helped to keep me sane.

Thanks to my class mates, especially Tom, Lydia and Patty from semester one's 'Classical Hollywood Cinema' paper. Even though it was hard, I had a lot of fun. You guys are hilarious.

Big thank you to Joel Bartlett for taking over the Creative Media team when I realised I couldn't do it anymore, you really stepped up and I respect you for that man! You've always been someone I can rely on and it means a lot.

Thanks Cam Mackenzie for the phone calls. We are overdue for another one so you should probably call me again sometime.. just saying...

I'd also like to thank all the South Life peeps, I feel like you have accepted me into your wee group and its been nice to hang out with you all this year. You guys are nuts, but its a good kind of nuts. I thoroughly enjoyed all those times we played Mafia, and I will always remember Sam C's random outburst of: "I'M THE DETECTIVE!!!!" 

Right. I think that's basically everyone.

I apologize if I have forgotten anyone, I'm sure you know if you have made a positive impact in my life this year so please don't be hurt if I didn't name you specifically. :)

Oh, and obviously, the biggest thank you EVER goes to Jesus, He has helped me this year more than I can even say. I AM SO GRATEFUL!!!! I am really learning more and more to just trust Him in everything I do, it makes life so much easier not worrying about every little thing.

So now that all my thankyou's are out of the way, I would like to share some of the things I have learnt in my time of doing Honours, and actually my film degree in general.

• In order to do Honours, you NEED TO BE SELF MOTIVATED. You have to be able to tell yourself "No, I can't go watch a funny Ben Stiller movie right now, I have to go home and work on my dissertation". If you can't do that, you're going to have a bad time.

• Make the most of the time you have with your supervisor. For the first few meetings I tried to cut out all the chit chat and just go straight for the things I wanted answers to... but later on when I was more sorted I allowed myself to talk about things like my excessive nosebleeds. That's another thing, go into your supervisor meetings with things you want their help with. This will really help you to make the most of your time with them. :)

• Its probably the best idea to do your extra papers in the first semester which leaves your second semester practically completely open to just work on your dissertation. I did it this way. Yes, I did have the craziest most stressful few months of my life back in semester one, but this second semester has in turn been the cruisiest semester. SO MUCH TIME TO WORK ON THE DISSERTATION!!! It has been great. I'm glad I did it that way, even though there was a lot of stress and panic and guilt to overcome back in April/May/June.

• As long as you work hard, there is not reason why you cannot finish your dissertation early like I did. Its seriously all about just putting enough time in and being motivated to finish before you need to. JUST KEEP WORKING HARD, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Today I came to Chloe's flat and sent the dissertation in via email. IT FREAKED ME OUT!

THEN CHLOE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS AWESOME SURPRISE SHE PLANNED WHICH MEANS I WILL GET TO RECORD SOME OF MY SONGS THIS SUMMER!!!!!

RAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!! SO EXCITING!!!!!!!!!

It is literally the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me so a HUGE HUGE HUGE MASSSIIIIVVVEEE thank you to everyone who is involved with this. I don't even know what to say. I am so blessed and grateful and just STOKED to have so many awesome friends!!!! EEEEEEE!!!!!!!

So yes. This is the end of my blog.

I am officially finished for the year. No exams. So if anyone reading this wants to hang out, just let me know. Or if you want me to proof read anything :D

OOOH AMBER WATSON IS HERE!

Emil bought me a creme soda before to celebrate. MMMM CREME SODA!!!!!

Tastes like your dreams coming true.

OK I HAVE TO STOP WRITING NOW!

Thanks for reading this blog, I really appreciate my blog readers. It makes me feel special.

Take it easy, keep the party alive!

x

Sheba 1999 - 2012

This morning I woke up and checked my phone like I always do. I had a text message. It was from my Dad. It said that yesterday they had put Sheba down.

Sheba.
My dog.

We had gotten Sheba back in 1999 I think it was, or maybe it was 2000. She was just a little puppy. She had been at the vets waiting for someone to take her, somehow my brother had found out about her and my parents decided that we would add her to our family. The people at the vets had called her Marmite (because she's black) but we thought Sheba fitted her better.

My older brother and I decided to share her, 50/50, which meant that we would both be responsible for looking after her.


She was the cutest little thing. Black with white bits around her face and down her belly.
She loved running around and was always full of energy. I was inlove with her instantly. I remember her chasing me around and tearing my skirt. No big deal. :-P
At one point my little brother smashed the glass in the front door and she jumped through it to get outside. She got all cut up and ever since then she wasn't able to jump up on things, like the back of the ute, so we'd have to lift her up onto it.


She was quite aggressive towards the other dogs at times, so they would jump up onto the back of the ute so she couldn't get them. She barked a lot. Like, a lot. She loved barking at things and tearing things up.
She devoured a number of gumboots over the last twelve years. She also loved sticks. She also broke off all her teeth because she would bite the quad bike tyres... while it was moving... I think the quad bike taunted her because she HATED that thing. She would bark and bark and bark and just go completely crazy. As soon as you started the engine, BOOM! Sheba was going off her nut at it.

I can't deny that Sheba had a lot of heart though. She loved running. Even when she got really old and her joints got all stiff, she still wanted to go out on the farm and run around. She and my Mum spent a lot of time together. Some of my best memories of her were from when we would be out on the farm together. She was so full of life all the time. It didn't feel like anything could ever stop her. When she couldn't keep up with the quad bike anymore, my Mum would put her on her lap as she drove the quad bike. I loved sitting on the back of the quad as my Mum drove along and holding on to her. She would try to get lose and jump down but I would just hold her tight. She wanted to do more than her body would let her.
She taught me what it was to enjoy life and live it to the full.
I didn't think anything would ever be able to stop her.

Sheba was my dog. I understood her. I knew what it was like to have people misunderstand you. People would tell me that she was annoying because she barked all the time and picked on the other dogs, when she got older certain people even told me that we should just shoot her. I would become very frustrated and defensive. Sometimes I would get angry and tell them to shut up, other times I would just start crying.

Sheba was MY dog and you can't talk about her that way. Yes, she barked a lot and picked on the other dogs, but it was only because that was her personality. The other dogs didn't really care, she was an angry female, its nothing out of the ordinary. Sheba was a good dog, and when it came down to it, she was always loyal and there when you needed her.

Even when she was old, she was still a fighter. One time the younger dogs were trying to kill a possum but couldn't do it, Sheba hobbled over all stiff and just bit it in the neck. Boom, its dead. Sheba was the boss. Always.
I saw her kill many rats that lived in the fields, it was impressive.

I can't believe she's gone.
I think I'm still in denial.
I have been waiting for this happen for a year now, but its still hard.
I loved that dog, I spent the better part of ten years with her. I always had her back and she'd always have mine.

I should have been there to say goodbye to her.

I didn't see her the day I left for Dunedin back in February, I spent most of the previous day with her, trying to say goodbye. I didn't want to see her on the day I left and then fall apart. My dad told me he was going to put her down. He'd been saying that for months. 

I've cried a lot over Sheba, I have been grieving her death even before she died. I am probably better equipped to deal with it now because of that. I have probably cried over her enough this past year to fill up a couple of jars.

I have cried A LOT! So her passing away shouldn't come as a surprise to the people who knew about her. I have been waiting for this to happen this whole year.

It still sucks though.

And I don't even know how to handle it.

I feel like I'm still in denial about it. It'll only sink in once I go back to the farm and she's not there.

I know some people don't understand how I can love dogs so much, but hopefully if you feel that way, this blog has helped.

This sucks.

I am sorry I wasn't there for her.

I should have been there to say goodbye and dig her grave like I did for Brutus.

Mum says she buried her near the place we buried Brutus. She's going to put a fence around it and plant some trees there. That'll be nice.

I will miss Sheba. She was my best friend.

I hope she knew how much I loved her.

The Friend Ship, Friendship Plant, and Other Metaphors

I can’t write funny blogs all the time.

I’m SORRY!!!!

This is probably not going to be funny. But maybe you will find some humour in it... somehow...

So today’s blog entry, which is about two months too late I am sad to say, (I was managing one blog entry a month until I ruined it by missing out August. Grrr), IS ABOUT something I have been quite obsessed with for the better part of the last two years.

Friendships.

They come and go, like a literal friend-ship. A ship full of friends. Sometimes there are a lot of people on the friend ship, other times there aren’t so many. It probably depends on you.

But the fact of the matter is, you cannot maintain every friendship you’ve ever created. It just isn’t possible.

I have lost many of my friendships with people from my hometown and school. If you are reading this and you were one of these people, this shouldn’t really come as a surprise to you.... I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. It is sad. I used to feel really cut about it. I mean, sure, we might still be Facebook friends, which is cool and I am in no way going to remove you as I still want to know what you are up to/how you are doing/if you have gotten married recently, but I wouldn’t exactly ask you to give me your kidney or anything. Maybe I would if I really needed it...  And I probably wouldn’t ask you to drive me to the airport.

The way I differentiate between acquaintances and friends, and I am being 100% serious about this, is whether you would ask said person to drive you to the airport.

Because a friend would take you, granted they have a vehicle of some description. I’m not going to go ask some person I only met on the weekend to drive me to the airport. WHAT THE HECK?! If they said yes that’d be AWESOME but I’d also be very surprised and maybe a little weirded out by it, in the best way possible of course.

I’m not driving people I never talk to all the way to the airport... that’d be awkward as...

But anyway. I used to feel SO BAD about losing friendships with people. I would blame myself. Like it was all my fault that they never wanted to talk to me anymore. It is partly my fault, I’m sure, as friendship is a two-way street. When one person stops trying that friendship is pretty much doomed.

You can only hold on to a friendship that is one-sided for so long.

I heard somewhere that people can only have a certain amount of friends at a time, like a hundred or something (the awkward moment when I have 700 Facebook friends).

I’M NOT DELETING MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS! It’s not a number thing, I know every single person who I’m friends with on that thing, and I just don’t want to ever delete anyone unless they are psychotic and want to kill me. That is the only time I will remove someone as a friend. If they want to remove me, that’s totally up to them, but I won’t do it.

I like knowing what people are up to. Call me a stalker if you want. It’s not as if I don’t know these people, because I do. And I want to know how they are doing/what they currently look like/where they are in the world etc. I’m sorry if this makes me a creep but that’s just how it is.

I don’t do the “Facebook Culling” that some people do.

I did it after high school... I was in a weird place in my life though, and that was a onetime thing!

I think I’m going off on a tangent.

Are you judging me right now? It’s ok if you are.. I know I might sound a bit crazzzyyyy, I’ve been writing my dissertation for most of the day. It is likely that I have lost the plot.

Anyway so friendships, yes, they are delicate wee things.

I would compare friendships to a plant, and you need to water it and fertilise it, talk to it, maybe even sing to it??? If you don’t do one or all of these things at least ONCE in a while, yo plant is gon’ die y’all.

Sometimes the plant doesn’t die because it is RESILIENT, but this is quite rare I think, and it has to be a special kind of friendship for your plant to become like this.

I do not have resilient plants. If I don’t talk to someone for over a certain amount of months/years/decades, my plant shrivels up and dies. I figure, that person doesn’t want to be my friend anymore *cry*

I used to get really upset, but I am learning to just take it in my stride now.

Sometimes you think your friendship is over and then the person CONTACTS YOU OUT OF THE BLUE AND WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU ARE!!!!!

This is AWESOME, but it hasn’t happened to me very often.

It happened today though.

It warmed my wee heart. Knowing that someone you thought had killed your friendship plant was starting to water and fertilise it again. Naaaaw <3. Bless.

On a total side note, I am a metaphor-fiend aren’t I?

I give things metaphors AAAAAALLLLL the time.

I also like strreeeeetttcchhhiiinnnggggg my words out for effect.

Yeah.

I also like short sentences and full stops.

I TOLD YOU I’D LOST IT!

I LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS!

I’m going to stop writing now.

I hope this has been entertaining and/or enlightening and/or heart-warming and/or mildly-amusing for you.

I might play Plants vs. Zombies now instead of doing my dissertation.

I only have a month left before I am TOTALLY DONE FOR THE YEAR!

See you later, blog readers. You are an inspiration to me. I will write again in October. Maybe...

X

When You Live Your Life In Soft Focus

Hello blog!

I am in a better mood these days, thank you for asking.
I thought it was time I tried to write something borderline humerous because that is originally why I started this blog.
So.
I would like to discuss... MY VISION!

And when I say vision, I don't mean my plan for the future, or my dream of being a rock star, I mean my vision. Like... literally. My eyesight.

I feel it is important to talk about this.
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!!!

I have had so many awkward moments that could be avoided by people reading this.


>.> I'm just looking for a picture of me wearing glasses... I'm actually finding it quite difficult... not because I am blind but because there aren't that many pictures of me wearing glasses...

OK I FOUND ONE! I look super unimpressed. Obviously because I require glasses and neither of my brothers do and ITS TOTALLY UNFAIR AND I DON'T SEE WHY I HAD TO HAVE REALLY BAD EYESIGHT WHEN THEY CAN SEE JUST FINE!!!!!!

It is a tragedy, I'm not gonna lie...

And yes, I am eating a lollipop. I <3 Chupachups. They are my fave!!!!

Anyway back to my story.

----------------

So I have really bad eyesight.

I mean, not bad enough to warrant me wearing glasses 24/7 like most people, but its pretty bad.

I live my life in a nice soft focus.

I can't tell who anyone is until I am a few metres from them.

Its REALLY AWKWARD when I look at the figure of someone in the distance, and they see me looking and then wave at me (because I actually know them but can't see who they are) If I'm with someone I usually ask them if they know the person, more often than not they don't though so that's quite unhelpful...

So I awkwardly wave and its not until I am closer to them that I exclaim: OH ITS YOU!!!! *extreme happy face*

Then I have to explain about my bad eyesight. It happened today. TRUE STORY.

What a laugh.

I also don't look at people when I walk around because I can't see who they are.

For this reason, people think I am a snob and ignore them, they think that I "look right at them and then look away"

But I DON'T LOOK RIGHT AT YOU!

I look at a hazy figure I cannot distinguish. If I look away its because I have looked at the hazy figure and realised its hazy and there is nothing else I can do. I cannot simply stare down every hazy figure that walks around in my direct vicinity now can I???

I know what you're thinking.

If its this bad, why don't I just wear contacts? Or my glasses 24/7 like I CLEARLY need to???

Well, its a matter of principle. And more than that, I just can't be bothered.

Living life in soft focus isn't so bad.

If i wear my glasses all the time I feel awful when I take them off. Everything is way more blurry than it normally would be. Its just gross and I don't like it. 

Living the way I do now I am fine and I can cope with only wearing my glasses when I'm on my laptop/in a lecture/watching a movie or driving.

I used to wear glasses when I played bass on stage, but I stopped doing that.

I just stand closer to the sheet music now, ITS GENIUS!

I also find that if I wear my glasses boys tend to try and rough house with me, tackle me, tickle me into submission or fight me, so the glasses are at risk of breaking. For this reason I just choose to not wear them all the time and endure the awesomeness of being visually impaired.

I also don't wear contacts because I can't.

I tried this summer to get some and I could not get them in or out of my eyes. I made the whole Optometrist place laugh because I carried on about not being able to get them out. It was horrific.

No thanks.

I'm gonna pass on wearing things you have to shove into your eyeballs everyday.

I know some people can hack it, I am not one of them!!!!

So for now, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing.

If you see me around the place, don't get offended if I don't see you. Approach me, your arms flailing enthusiastically, and eventually I'll see you.

I'm usually pretty excited when I recognize someone as well so you should expect a smile and a "Oh, its you!"

Try it sometime.

(p.s- I actually got new glasses but there are NO PICTURES of them yet. Maybe its for the best, Joel Hoo doesn't think they're very good) 

Martz Complaining About Stuff

Sometimes I feel like I am the saddest girl in the world.


I know I'm not, I'm not even close to it. But that's just how I feel.

I should change this blog name to "The Saddest Girl in the World"

The other day I was having lunch with a friend and I was soooooooo sad, he bought me an ice cream and I trudged down the road with him and I think I must have been the saddest girl to ever have an icecream. I don't even remember why I was so sad.


People say I let my emotions run my life.
I guess I would agree with that.

I just don't know how to feel better though.

I try to explain why I feel sad.

Right now I tell myself its because I miss the dogs and my family and being on the farm.
Honours is getting me down.
I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough.
My friends say things to me that upset me because I'm too sensitive.

I don't know what I am doing.

I don't think I am doing a good enough job with anything.




This sounds like that 'Lost' blog entry I wrote a little while ago...

You probably think all I do is complain.

I do complain a lot.
I'm not the saddest girl in the world, but I am sad.
And I don't deserve to be sad, which makes me more sad.


I'm sorry this wasn't funny.
You were probably expecting something funny.

Do you have any advice for me? Some encouragement? You can tell me that I don't deserve to be sad and have heaps to be grateful for but I already know that. You can tell me anyway though.

I know Jesus loves me and I should cast all my worries onto Him, but its hard.
I don't even know how to do it.
Help?

Ok, I'm going to go now.
Thanks for reading this, and sorry again that it wasn't funny.

Moving Back To Scarfieville

I never took many photos while I was living in Mornington. I have moved out now, and I am quite upset about it to be honest.
Mornington is a world far removed from what you experience in the flats around campus, it is warm and quiet and there are dogs everywhere!
I tried befriending one of the neighbourhood dogs once, I never really saw it again though so I don't think I was very successful.

Regardless, my time in Mornington was everything that I needed for the super intense season of craziness I experienced last semester.
Never have I been so stressed out before in my whole entire life.
I cannot imagine being in a flat while so completely frazzled all of the time.
The fact I was boarding with a family meant that my responsibilities were minimal, and instead of being expected to cook flat dinners, do grocery shopping, wash dishes etc. I could just focus on my work.

IT WAS FREAKING SWEET!

I am so grateful for the family I lived with. They are honestly some of the nicest people I have ever met.


Last night was my first night in the new flat.
I am still settling in. I don't feel comfortable there (how could I?!) but I know its just a matter of time.
I at least got my room all sorted today which will help.
Played some guitar, that's always something that helps to "break in" a new flat.

Its weird being so close to campus, its only a ten minute walk. I didn't actually time it... I need to do that...

Right now I am back in Mornington, I asked if I could have dinner here because our new flat has no food or cooking equipment. I was almost teary-eyed as I walked in before. Only one day away and I miss it so much.

I miss Pipi a lot, the family cat. I befriended her instantly after moving in back in February. For the first day or so I didn't know her name so I just called her Kitty. She used to sleep in my bed while I studied. She's cool. If you have read enough of my blog you would have noticed I am obviously a dog person, but Pipi is all good. I kinda like her a lot.

I'm only going to be at the new flat for basically four and a quarter months, so I'm sure it will be fine. Its nice to be somewhere more accessible, I'm sure we'll be getting visitors (I never really got any in Mornington) so that will be nice. And since my semester will be a billion times less intense than the last one, I should be able to cope without going into a psycho spiral.

I am hopeful for the future of living back in Scarfieville.
Joella and I are going to have epic singalongs, and I am going to steal her dresses.
People should come and visit me.
We don't have internet yet though which is lame... But there's always Uni so I guess we'll see how long we can go without it at the flat... my guess is not very long...
Must procrastinate by looking up funny memes on 9gag...

Anyway. Wrapping this up now.
My time in Mornington was fabulous.
I will look back on it fondly, and I will miss it.
But the family I lived with have already asked me to come back and make them pizza and risotto for dinner sometime in the near future (those are my specialty dishes) so I'm definitely going to be doing that.
And when I do will also sit in front of the heat pump and be nice and warm, and I'll give Pipi a cuddle because I deprived her of my bed to sleep in.

I don't care what other people say about you, Mornington. You're alright.

Honours Panic/Guilt

It has been three whole weeks since my last blog entry.

I was waiting until I had something interesting to write about.
What I think is kind of interesting/funny are the many mood swings I have been getting as a result of my Honours course.

People always told me Honours was going to be hard, but I didn't know it would be quite like this. It is really hard. I think the hardest thing about it is the constant panic/guilt you feel.
I've never had this kind of thing before.
I am more stressed out now than I have ever been before in my life.
I am living in a period of fluctuating stress levels, some days I feel like I am only a little stressed and am coping, other days my stress levels are through the roof and I feel like I am drowning and cannot possibly save myself.

OH DEAR!

I don't realise I am stressed out all the time, but then when I find myself waking up in the morning at 8am in a panic because I need to study, I start to believe it.

ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!

I was never good at handling stress. If anyone ever tells me they need to talk to me about something serious I completely flip out and can't handle it. If someone is mad at me, can't handle it. If I've potentially upset someone, can't handle it. If someone is having a hard time and I can't help them, I can't handle it.

The Honours Panic hits me in the early morning/late evening. It is the little voice that says: "YOU NEED TO DO MORE STUDDDDYYYY!!!! YOU AREN'T DOING ENOUGH!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Its fueled mainly by a fear of failing, and it is terrifying.
I have had spells of Honours Panic that have led to near-hyperventilation. My being overdramatic does not help this.

The Honours Guilt is potentially worse though. I get this whenever I am not studying. Which, unfortunately, is too often. The little voice pretty much screams the same thing as the Honours Panic, only its more of a niggling. It also leaves me feeling really bad if I haven't studied enough at any given time.
Today for example, my lecture was cancelled because my lecturer is sick. I spent the day hanging out with people. When I drove home at 7pm, THE HONOURS GUILT SETS IN!
So while I eat my dinner I also do a reading and try to take down some notes.

Curse you Honours Guilt.
Its probably for the best that I have it though.

I am usually like this, still stressed but it doesn't show outwardly too much. I can laugh and smile and be happy, but if someone asks how I am I tell them I am BUSY BUSY BUSY. I lull myself into a false sense of security, thinking I can take a break from my study and it'll be fine.

NEK MINUTE...

I FEEL LIKE I'M FAILING AT LIFE! I HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH WORK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PASS HONOURS IF I DON'T DO THE WOOOORRRRRKKKKK!!?!??!?! OH MY GOOOSSSSHHHHH!!!! !!#@$!#%$^$^*%&(#%&#

Yep. Its great.
But anyway, don't get me wrong, I am stoked I have the opportunity to be at Uni doing Honours, I just need to do some more work or the guilt will begin to set in again.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I SHOULD BE STUDYING!!!!
:)

Happy Birthday Joe!

Today is my good friend Joe's birthday.
He is sneaky about it though, doesn't have his birthday on Facebook.
The sad thing is, this might mean that the majority of his friends won't know its his birthday.

That's why I felt compelled to dedicate this blog entry to him.

I will also give a little fun story about Joe, seeing as that is what you all probably expect from me at this point.

This was taken at Joel's 21st in 2011. It was funny because I freaked out Huei (the photographer) because after she asked us if we wanted a photo I told her that it was awkward since Joe and I had just broken up. A few people in earshot instantly walked away from us. Hahaha, classic!

I don't remember the first time I met Joe, maybe he does, it wouldn't have been til my second year at University though. I began going to church more regularly once I joined Student Life, and because most of the friends I was making at Student Life also went to Elim Church, I got my ins with different people in that way.
Joe isn't exactly part of the Student Life crew, but he still associates with them. I honestly can't say how I became friends with him.
I know at some stage we became friends and he nicknamed me: Minion 23. I think this was a joke that implied he had 22 minions before me. Hahaha, as if!
But anyway...

I was Minion 23, and didn't know Joe very well, up until I moved in next door to him in my third year.
Our friendship was solidified by Joe introducing me to this awesome show called: How I Met Your Mother. Since I'd arrived in Dunedin weeks before University was set to begin, I spent a lot of my time hanging out with Joe, watching How I Met Your Mother. I even convinced him to make a deal with me, that neither of us were allowed to watch any episodes without the other. This carried on into the year until Season Six of the show finished. Joe and I didn't hang out so much after that, but it was still good bonding time.

Joe and me chilling in the Gables, 2011.

When I lived next door, Joe would CONSTANTLY hide behind doors so that when I came down stairs he would jump out (or simply walk out casually) and I would get a massive fright.

These days I don't see Joe as much as I'd like, we are both really busy and hardly ever hang out, but I still think he is a great friend and I wish him all the best. It is his birthday today, so I wanted to make him feel special somehow.
I don't plan on leaving the house today so this was the best thing I could think of...
YOU BETTER LIKE IT, JOE!

This was taken at Elim Student Camp 2012. It demonstrates Joe's awesome photo-bombing skills. Are you impressed?

p.s- Joella and Chloe I will dedicate a blog entry to you guys sometime in the future. Just be patient. ITS JOE'S BIRTHDAY! GO AND HUG HIM!

Lost

Dearest Blog Readers,

I don't know what I'm up to.
In my life.

I went to my friend Dylan's 21st tonight at 10 Bar.
Ye Olde Ten Bar
I remember going there in First Year (not too often though because I was fresher and its an unwritten rule that freshers stay out of the Octagon, or "Octy" as it is affectionately called by Scarfie Bar-Attendees). I went there more often in Second Year... I think... I don't really remember.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

But anyway.
21sts make me very contemplative.
I contemplate my life.
What have I achieved thus far?
Where am I going?
What am I still doing at University?
Why am I doing Honours in Film Studies?
Does any of this even matter?


I want my piece of paper. I want an Honours degree.
But the in-between part is still confusing for me.

I guess I just expected my life to be different by now.
I'm not saying I'm not grateful for the life I have, because I really am.
I'm so blessed to be able to even attend University, let alone for four years now.
And I was walking through campus today and it is SO FLIPPING BEAUTIFUL!
Seriously, Otago University is gorgeous. All the trees, and the grass, and the Leith, and that fancy clocktower of ours. We are lucky Scarfies.

So why write a blog about this?
I don't know. It helps me to process I guess.
And it is my blog and people expect to read random stuff so its not like you're getting anything other than what you came for :-P


I just don't know what I'm up to.
Tonight I wanted to drink.
I don't know why. I'm jealous of my Christian friends who drink.
I want to believe I can drink again and have it be fine, but I don't know.

I feel like I'm stuck.

I need something to change.
Maybe its my attitude.
Maybe its my outlook on life.

There are some things I thought I was over, that I'd grown out of and matured through, but now I'm starting to feel like that isn't the case.
Could be the temptation to drink again, could be relationships that aren't what I thought they were, realising that I don't really know what I'm doing at all.

Its hard. Feeling like you don't know what you're doing.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?
To quote a musician I'm a fan of: This might just be a quarter(ish) life crises, or just a stirring in my soul.


Kinda sounds like that might be it.

Why I Stopped Drinking

Its really late and I should probably be in bed because I have church in the morning, but I felt compelled to write this!

Lately I have been talking a lot with people about my drinking in the past. As you may or may not know, my dear blog readers, I have been sober for almost two years now. Prior to this however, I quite enjoyed drinking and essentially getting wasted. It pretty much became part of my identity. I know that might sound really lame, but honestly, I thought my excessive drinking was what made me "cool" and why people wanted to be friends with me and hang out with me or whatever. 

Its ironic really because even now as a sober person, I am able to act more drunk than the people who are actually consuming alcohol around me...

This is a photo from my first year at University. I loved that wine, it was my favourite and I'd happily drink a whole bottle by myself. 

I'm sure for most of you out there that's no big deal though. I'm not condoning what I did, but I also don't judge those who prefer to maintain a lifestyle of drinking heaps like I used to have. But for me, obviously something changed, something lead me to give it up for good and that's what I want to write about.

It has come to my attention that while a lot of people know I don't drink alcohol anymore, most of them don't actually know the reasons why.

I guess it really started to get out of hand at the start of my second year at University. I was out of the hall of residence I had been living in the previous year, and this meant that I was able to have alcohol around me all the time, and I could drink whenever I pleased. It got to the point where I was drinking before class (yes I went to class slightly drunk), I would drink after class, if I was bored, if I was sad, and if I was in a good mood but wanted to be in a BETTER mood! People say alcohol is a depressant, well for me it isn't a depressant til much later. 

When I started drinking I would be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HYPPPPEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR but then eventually I'd crash and then BOOM! Super depressed. 

When I hit the depression part, I would spiral. This was especially bad in my second year because my beloved doggie Brutus (11-ish years old) was put down only a few months beforehand and I wasn't dealing with it very well. When I was drunk I would cry about it a lot. I remember sitting on the pavement across the road from the Monkey Bar and just crying and crying and crying. I remember telling someone I didn't "want to do this anymore" [drink alcohol] but this wasn't enough to stop me.

I had always struggled with giving alcohol up. If you've read my testimony (http://girlthateatschips.blogspot.co.nz/2011/04/my-testimony.html) then you would be somewhat well versed in this by now. But eventually I was convicted by God (yes, you read that right) to give up alcohol if I was going to follow Him with everything I had. I couldn't keep pretending to be a loyal Christian and then get wasted every weekend and have a secret addiction to alcohol that I wasn't telling anyone about. I was pretty much a hypocrite. I wasn't living a life to be proud of. I was no different to someone who didn't know about or believed in God, so what was the point of calling myself a Christian?

I'm sure you see my line of thought even if you don't agree with what I'm saying.

So I gave alcohol up. Just like that. Cold turkey. I still remember my last drunken night in town with my friends. I think I even knew at that point that something was about to change (even though I didn't know at the time it was my last drunken night in town). I was over it though. I didn't enjoy getting wasted anymore, and I wanted something to change but didn't really have the will to do it at that point.

But it did happen. And for over a year it was going really well! People have become accustomed to the fact I don't drink. I'm teetotal (that's an awesome word, you should look it up).

Lately though....

I want to drink again.

I'm not going to lie. This year has been hard. I go to all these Honours events with free alcohol and it would be so easy to just have a few beers... no one would even know...

I don't know why this has become a problem for me again. And it leads me to wonder if I'll ever be able to drink moderately ever again. At this point I just want to drink HEAPS until I forget everything. I want the escape.

I think Honours and the uncertainty of my future is stressing me out.

But I'm going to stay strong.

The hardest thing for me now is when my friends drink in front of me. 

I know I can't go through my life asking my friends not to do that because I have a self-control problem, but a part of me just wants them to understand why I don't drink anymore and how they can potentially help me.

As my friends, wouldn't they want to do that?

Don't get me wrong, I want to start drinking again but I'm not going to.

I've been through all that drama and I'm not willing to undo all my progress just because I'm not coping well.

I just wanted you, blog readers, to understand why I don't drink anymore.

I think I have a drinking problem. Maybe you don't agree with me, and that's OK, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not willing to start drinking again. At least not any time soon. :)

Back Into The Swing Of Things... Sort Of...

Dear Blog (yes I actually am going to start this off like that)

I've been back in Dunedin for a wee while now, four weeks or something. It feels like I've been here for AGES! I think once you get settled, time just flies by really. Ironic I just said that because I am currently listening to a song called Time Flies, but that's really beside the point.

I'm finding it hard to focus my thoughts... I had stuff that I wanted to say...

Ok, let's just start at the beginning.

Honours is hard.
People keep telling me to stop complaining. But I'm not even complaining, most of the time I just like to vent my frustration about how hard I am finding it. Its not as if I am struggling so much that I'd consider dropping out or anything. I can do this. I'm just not used to having to work this hard, but I will FORCE MYSELF TO GET USED TO IT AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT!!!!!
STOP. FREAKING. OUT!
I'm fine. Really. I can be on top of the work I kinda just don't try hard enough. SNAP OUT OF IT!

:-D ... So anyway...

Aside from my insane workload, I am finding living in Mornington to be quite enjoyable. The whole bus fare thing is my only source of slight annoyance, but even that can be overlooked. I joke with my friend JD about how expensive it is to take the bus, but its better than walking up High Street so I'll just pay and continue to complain about it to people :-P

Its really cool to be out of Scarfie-ville. Not only because it means I am way less distracted and can get heaps of work done, but it also means that I have control over when I want to be social and when I want to lock myself away in my room and hermit out. Mornington is quite perfect for that.
Its a really nice place to live and I am very grateful for it. I found it a bit lonely when I first moved up here but now I find that it is like my sanctuary. Its so nice to be out all day hanging out with people and then come back to a nice, warm and quiet house <3


I have like a million people I have to catch up with.
But I'm getting there. I just have to be proactive about getting my work done and meeting up with people when I have time off.

Further more, I have started listening to some awesome music such as: Porcupine Tree, Ellie Goulding, Adele, I'm still listening to Iron and Wine, Paper Kites every now and then, I rediscovered Frou Frou which is FLIPPING COOL!!!!!! Uuuuum what else... I have quite a bit of new music and haven't gotten around to listening to half of it but I'll get there.



Alright and the last thing I just wanted to mention before I wrap this up is:
THE FRIEND ZONE!

I have always found this really hilarious, but I only ever heard it referred to as: "The Friend Zone" in meme's. In Gulliver's Travels (2010) Jack Black refers to it as the "Friendship Lagoon" and says: Yeah. Friendship Lagoon. It blows! You’re gonna be like ‘“Oh yeah, it’s cool, man. We’re friends. It’s great. I’m cool with that.” And you won’t be cool with that. And it kills you inside! 

Hahaha. Its funny because ITS TRUE! Yay for the Friend Zone!

Urban Dictionary refers to the Friend Zone as: What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, "You're such a good friend". Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Verb tense is "Friend-ed".

I don't know about you, but I have inadvertently friend-zoned people, and in turn I have also been friend-zoned. Yes, girls get friend-zoned too, as you'll see in the hilarious example below.
I think I find the Friend Zone thing so funny because its such a common thing that happens in life but no one ever really talks about it in terms of being "friend-zoned". Well we should start doing it!
Its funny. I mean, at first its not really that funny, but it is after a while!
And wouldn't it be cool to be able to joke about it with the people you have friend-zoned and who have friend-zoned you????

Its like... BOOM! YOU JUST GOT FRIEND ZONED!
Snap.

This picture is my favourite: I cannot even tell you the amount of times I have told guys that we should be best friends. I still do it now. Guys just make better best friends for me. Its not exactly a Friend Zone thing though.. I don't think.. But I'm actually not sure... Bahahaha! Its so funny though, so laugh about it like I do!








Oh, and p.s- I am going to Auckland this weekend to see Taylor Swift in concert! YAY EXCITING! And no joke, when I get back I'm seriously going to lay off the Taylor Swift music. The songs I write sound too much like her and I want my music to go in a new direction. Here's hoping it works!!!

My Summer In Kaitaia Is O.V.A.H. Finished. Burrito

My summer is over again for another year.

I feel like I have posted on this blog more this summer than last, but I don't know if I actually have, and let's be honest, I am too lazy to check if that actually is the case. And I'm hoping whoever you are who's reading this isn't so hung up on facts that you're going to go check... Haha nah I'm only kidding you can if you really want to... :-P

So my Summer. Well. It's always interesting/a challenge.

When I first left Dunedin back in November I was SOOOO EXCITED to come home. I'd been having a hard time and I just wanted to get away from everyone and everything and just be by myself. I find that if I don't get alone time things can get very bad very fast. Plus I was missing my dogs a lot and my Dad had been telling me that Sheba wasn't doing well so I was very anxious to get back before anything happened to her.
This time before I wen't back I even managed to keep the exact date of my return a secret from my Dad. He continually asked when I'd be back, and I told him I was coming home a week later than I actually would be.
He didn't suspect a thing!!!!
I told my Mum and my brother that I wanted to surprise my Dad so they didn't say anything.
Then when I walked in the house on the 2nd of November, my Dad had absolutely no idea.
I just walked into the lounge and greeted him with the usual: "Oh herro" that we use whenever he phones me.
It was SO AWESOME! He just stared at me and asked what the heck I was doing there. HAHAHA! Priceless.

Anyway so that was one of my highlights of this Summer. It was also cool to go to my friend Briar's 21st and  to catch up with people on my epic journey back down south. I really enjoyed Film Project and hanging out with all the super cool people I met there too. I wasn't 100% thrilled to come back to Kaitaia after Film Project but I have really tried to make the best of it. While most of my days have been long and uneventful and leave me feeling somewhat depressed, there have been others that have been tons of fun and make me realise how blessed I am.

I cannot stress enough how much I have loved spending time with the dogs. They are so amazing and it sucks that I only get a few months with them a year. There have been many intrepid journeys to various parts on the farm, and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. It has been fun getting to help my Mum out with stuff on the farm as well, talking about trees and plants with her, and just spending time with her in a way that means we don't have to talk a whole lot. When we are out planting trees or cutting down Chinese Privet, we are just focusing on the task at hand. She doesn't try to get any information out of me or interrogate me about boys or anything, she just lets me tell her stuff if I want to. I think that's a good way to be.

My family bonds through watching TV shows and movies so it has been good to watch a couple movies with them. We watched Johnny English 2 the other night, which I had already seen but the moment I saw it I knew that I wanted to watch it with my Dad because I figured he would really enjoy it. And he did! Moments like that are what I want my Summer to be about.

I have had a few... heated discussions with my Dad about things. He is starting to get sick of me now (he actually said that, even though I already knew), so it's good that I am going back to Dunedin. I think in future I should spend less than two months at home, unless I can get out more.
I think the reason my Dad and I blow up at each other is because we are really similar, and I know just what to say to make him even more angry. Poking the bear, perhaps? Hehe... He says he won't miss me but I know he's lying.
My mum says she is going to miss me a lot, but like I've said, its understandable for her to feel that way because I'm the only one who is interested in helping her. I'll miss her too though, she's so funny.

It's kind of weird that my Summer is over now. I didn't do a number of things that I wanted to.
I only wrote four songs, and compared with the quality of the seven I wrote last Summer I think I could have done better, but oh well. It's not like I didn't try!

I also wanted to get some painting done, but I never got around to it.
I painted the deck... But that doesn't count.

I spent most of my time alone. Playing guitar at least two hours a day. But I would like to give a shout-out to all the people who made an effort to make plans and hang out with me: Floris, Joella, Mariana, Lizaan, Emil, James, Chloe and Keron. You guys really made my days so much happier. I'll also give a mention to those who I hung out with in social settings, like Ruth G, Aroha, Jon-Paul, Lara, Roseanne and Jo-Ann. I really appreciate you guys :-)

I feel like this is a farewell speech or something. Hahahaha.

And also, I would also just like to thank the people who kept in contact with me over the course of this Summer. You know who you are. Without you I feel like I really would have drowned in a black pit of despair.. there were a few times where I thought I was going to :-P Am I being over-dramatic? Potentially. BUT MAYBE I'M NOT!

Tomorrow I will be back in Dunedin and starting my fourth and potentially final year of study at University. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! Should be a very fun-filled year.

I am conflicted about leaving though.
My Dad told me that he is going to put Sheba down after I leave so that really really sucks. I don't even want to think about it. I don't think that information has even really sunk in. I try to consider it, and it just doesn't get through to me. I mean, it's a pretty awful thing. I have known Sheba for the better part of 12 years. How can my Dad just decide that he is going to end her life? Ugh, it's soooooo sucky. But anyway, I could write a whole blog entry about that.


As I conclude this very long blog entry, I would also just like to thank you for reading. I don't know why anyone would but I feel very blessed to have people interested in what I have to say. So cheers! I hope I have somehow made it worth your while :)

Until next time, have a good one!