Almost Falling Off The Wagon

Urban Dictionary descibes falling off the wagon as: drinking or using drugs after a period of abstinence
The Free Dictionary's desciption is much the same, saying it means: to start drinking alcohol again, especially too much alcohol, after a period when you have not drunk any.

 (I'm clearly all about research haha).

Yesterday, I almost fell of the wagon. Almost.



The day started out fine. But as circumstances would have it, I was faced with something I had been trying to forget about/avoid and I couldn't handle it.
I can't go into any detail, but basically, I have made a major decision to change something in my life and it has been a struggle at best. I had been dreading the day I would encounter the thing I had been avoiding, and yesterday it happened.
And it sucked.
And I felt sick to my stomach and like I'd been run over by a train.

At first I was just in shock. Then I felt sorry for myself. Then I started feeling like I actually couldn't go on if I didn't take my mind off it somehow. I felt almost traumatised by the experience and needed to take the edge off. The best way to do this was with alcohol.

I didn't want to get completely drunk. All I wanted was one drink. It was either that or cigarettes, and I wasn't about to take up smoking, so I decided I would have a drink.

And I have said before that I have felt like drinking, but this time I actually went and bought alcohol. Like, walked into a liquor store and chatted to a guy there about which whiskey I might like to buy.
I went with Canadian Club Whiskey, the good stuff. I didn't even get ID'd. I hadn't been in a liquor store for over two years.

After this I went and bought some ginger ale and a couple of limes (which were insanely expensive) but I figured if I was going to have a drink, it flippin better be a good one! I wasn't about to skull a bottle of vodka.


I had to go to work then, and was busy for a few hours. When I got home, my flatmate/one of my besties Joella came and gave me a hug.
I casually pulled the whiskey out of my bag and she did not look impressed.


She then gave me a very serious yet inspiring pep talk about how I was stronger than that and how I didn't need to drink etc etc etc and BASICALLY that she wasn't going to stand by and watch me break my sober streak, regardless of what I said.

So I ate a muffin that Katie had baked (thanks for that by the way) and I didn't have a drink.
I put the alcohol on my shelf, the guy at the liquor store said it can stay good for ages if you don't open it.

Joella reckons that it'll be a good reminder of that time I almost drank, but then didn't.




Why am I telling you all this? Because I want to be honest about my journey with alcohol, and the fact that its not always that easy. I didn't expect to wake up this morning with my sobriety still intact. I can't actually believe I didn't get to have a drink last night. I wanted it so bad. The desire has never been so strong in all the time I have been sober.
But I guess God knows better, and He knows that sometimes when we think we can't overcome something, we can surprise ourselves. In any case, He is bigger than all the problems I'm facing, and alcohol is never going to help me solve anything.


Thanks to all the friends who encouraged me not to drink yesterday. Although I probably would have done it if Joella wasn't there to stop me, I really appreciate you guys trying to help me.



Here's hoping it only gets better from here! And just by the way, I don't have the desire to drink anymore.