My Biggest Regret

It's going to be hard to follow the blog post I wrote last month!

Can't believe its had over 1,700 views (that is A LOT FOR ME!)

But I'm not trying to follow it. I'm just writing down how I feel, what I'm thinking, what's going on in my head, just like always.

I realise now that I internally process things on my blog most of the time, which sometimes leads to me writing stuff I probably shouldn't, but its always honest so I guess its not the WORST THING EVER... right?

So I thought I'd talk about my biggest regret.

I have been thinking about this a lot recently, maybe its because I'm married now and I've been thinking about my past decisions now that my actions implicate someone else (my husband).

Maybe I shouldn't write about this, but I'm going to anyway.

I regret what happened in 2012.

It seems like such a long time ago now.

I was in a weird place

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically?

Hahaha.

To better explain what I mean by the blanket statement "2012", I have talked about this a bit in the past, I got involved with someone that I should have avoided.

And its hard because this person lead me to my eventual husband, and an album full of songs, but I can't help but regret it.

I regret investing so much time and energy into my relationship with him.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed.

Really embarrassed.

I wish I could go back and not spend my entire year pining after this person who was never going to treat me the way I deserved.

It makes me feel sad. And yes, I did write some good songs about it (in my opinion), but I still honestly regret it.

You may think: Come on, Martinette! Regrets are for chumps! Don't regret anything!

But I think sometimes regrets are helpful, they help you grow and change.

They stop you making the same mistakes.

Its hard when this regretful year gave me some of my best creative musical work and also my eventual husband. 

It's like the worst stuff eventually turned into the best stuff.

I also regret not putting enough energy and passion into my music.

When things get hard, and it seems like people aren't interested in what I'm doing, I just stop trying.

I give up.

I start to pity myself.

I'll be honest, my album 'Sweeping Statements' has not been very successful. 

I spent a lot of my own money and time on getting it made but I have not had much feedback since I "released" it in October.

It makes me feel really down on myself.

As my blog post  here: ' http://girlthateatschips.blogspot.co.nz/2014/09/the-end-of-my-music.html ' will attest to. 

Oh Martinette, you're such a dramatic handful.

So yes. I will admit that sometimes I care what people think, and I care that not many people have paid the $15 that I have charged for the album.

I can see on my bandcamp page that the album IS being listened to, but I don't know who by. Or if they like what they are hearing. Or if the fact they can listen for free on bandcamp is the reason they haven't bought it.

I don't NEED people to buy it, but it would be nice.

Just to know that someone cares enough about my music to make the effort to buy it.

I regret not having a release party, or being more proactive in promoting it.

Just know this:

I am REALLY proud of this album.

And when I listen to it, I remember why I fell in love with music.

And why I love writing music.

And why I have stopped writing (because I feel like I have nothing left to say/people don't care what I have to say)

And then I regret what happened in 2012. But I'm also glad it happened.

If that makes any sense AT ALL.

I'm not rambling I swear.

So let me finish with this:

I would really REALLY appreciate it if people would give the album a listen. 

And if they like it, they could tell me.

You don't have to buy it, obviously, but it would mean a lot if you did.

Just so I'd know that you think its worth it.

And if you don't want to buy it on bandcamp, you could just tell me and I'd happily burn a CD for you.

Like an actual physical CD.

I'd write on the front of it with a Sharpie because that's how hipstery cool I am (hahahaha! Not really)

I am really grateful to all the wonderful people who have supported me over the years, both in my musical pursuits and just my life in general.

I know you all care about me, I guess I just need to be reminded that you still care about my music too. 

Thanks for reading.

You can experience the 2012ishness of my album here: https://martinette.bandcamp.com/

"They say an artist is only as good as his last piece. And so get to that masterpiece" - Eric Thomas, Thank God It's Monday.