Why I Stopped Drinking

Its really late and I should probably be in bed because I have church in the morning, but I felt compelled to write this!

Lately I have been talking a lot with people about my drinking in the past. As you may or may not know, my dear blog readers, I have been sober for almost two years now. Prior to this however, I quite enjoyed drinking and essentially getting wasted. It pretty much became part of my identity. I know that might sound really lame, but honestly, I thought my excessive drinking was what made me "cool" and why people wanted to be friends with me and hang out with me or whatever. 

Its ironic really because even now as a sober person, I am able to act more drunk than the people who are actually consuming alcohol around me...

This is a photo from my first year at University. I loved that wine, it was my favourite and I'd happily drink a whole bottle by myself. 

I'm sure for most of you out there that's no big deal though. I'm not condoning what I did, but I also don't judge those who prefer to maintain a lifestyle of drinking heaps like I used to have. But for me, obviously something changed, something lead me to give it up for good and that's what I want to write about.

It has come to my attention that while a lot of people know I don't drink alcohol anymore, most of them don't actually know the reasons why.

I guess it really started to get out of hand at the start of my second year at University. I was out of the hall of residence I had been living in the previous year, and this meant that I was able to have alcohol around me all the time, and I could drink whenever I pleased. It got to the point where I was drinking before class (yes I went to class slightly drunk), I would drink after class, if I was bored, if I was sad, and if I was in a good mood but wanted to be in a BETTER mood! People say alcohol is a depressant, well for me it isn't a depressant til much later. 

When I started drinking I would be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HYPPPPEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR but then eventually I'd crash and then BOOM! Super depressed. 

When I hit the depression part, I would spiral. This was especially bad in my second year because my beloved doggie Brutus (11-ish years old) was put down only a few months beforehand and I wasn't dealing with it very well. When I was drunk I would cry about it a lot. I remember sitting on the pavement across the road from the Monkey Bar and just crying and crying and crying. I remember telling someone I didn't "want to do this anymore" [drink alcohol] but this wasn't enough to stop me.

I had always struggled with giving alcohol up. If you've read my testimony (http://girlthateatschips.blogspot.co.nz/2011/04/my-testimony.html) then you would be somewhat well versed in this by now. But eventually I was convicted by God (yes, you read that right) to give up alcohol if I was going to follow Him with everything I had. I couldn't keep pretending to be a loyal Christian and then get wasted every weekend and have a secret addiction to alcohol that I wasn't telling anyone about. I was pretty much a hypocrite. I wasn't living a life to be proud of. I was no different to someone who didn't know about or believed in God, so what was the point of calling myself a Christian?

I'm sure you see my line of thought even if you don't agree with what I'm saying.

So I gave alcohol up. Just like that. Cold turkey. I still remember my last drunken night in town with my friends. I think I even knew at that point that something was about to change (even though I didn't know at the time it was my last drunken night in town). I was over it though. I didn't enjoy getting wasted anymore, and I wanted something to change but didn't really have the will to do it at that point.

But it did happen. And for over a year it was going really well! People have become accustomed to the fact I don't drink. I'm teetotal (that's an awesome word, you should look it up).

Lately though....

I want to drink again.

I'm not going to lie. This year has been hard. I go to all these Honours events with free alcohol and it would be so easy to just have a few beers... no one would even know...

I don't know why this has become a problem for me again. And it leads me to wonder if I'll ever be able to drink moderately ever again. At this point I just want to drink HEAPS until I forget everything. I want the escape.

I think Honours and the uncertainty of my future is stressing me out.

But I'm going to stay strong.

The hardest thing for me now is when my friends drink in front of me. 

I know I can't go through my life asking my friends not to do that because I have a self-control problem, but a part of me just wants them to understand why I don't drink anymore and how they can potentially help me.

As my friends, wouldn't they want to do that?

Don't get me wrong, I want to start drinking again but I'm not going to.

I've been through all that drama and I'm not willing to undo all my progress just because I'm not coping well.

I just wanted you, blog readers, to understand why I don't drink anymore.

I think I have a drinking problem. Maybe you don't agree with me, and that's OK, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not willing to start drinking again. At least not any time soon. :)

Back Into The Swing Of Things... Sort Of...

Dear Blog (yes I actually am going to start this off like that)

I've been back in Dunedin for a wee while now, four weeks or something. It feels like I've been here for AGES! I think once you get settled, time just flies by really. Ironic I just said that because I am currently listening to a song called Time Flies, but that's really beside the point.

I'm finding it hard to focus my thoughts... I had stuff that I wanted to say...

Ok, let's just start at the beginning.

Honours is hard.
People keep telling me to stop complaining. But I'm not even complaining, most of the time I just like to vent my frustration about how hard I am finding it. Its not as if I am struggling so much that I'd consider dropping out or anything. I can do this. I'm just not used to having to work this hard, but I will FORCE MYSELF TO GET USED TO IT AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT!!!!!
STOP. FREAKING. OUT!
I'm fine. Really. I can be on top of the work I kinda just don't try hard enough. SNAP OUT OF IT!

:-D ... So anyway...

Aside from my insane workload, I am finding living in Mornington to be quite enjoyable. The whole bus fare thing is my only source of slight annoyance, but even that can be overlooked. I joke with my friend JD about how expensive it is to take the bus, but its better than walking up High Street so I'll just pay and continue to complain about it to people :-P

Its really cool to be out of Scarfie-ville. Not only because it means I am way less distracted and can get heaps of work done, but it also means that I have control over when I want to be social and when I want to lock myself away in my room and hermit out. Mornington is quite perfect for that.
Its a really nice place to live and I am very grateful for it. I found it a bit lonely when I first moved up here but now I find that it is like my sanctuary. Its so nice to be out all day hanging out with people and then come back to a nice, warm and quiet house <3


I have like a million people I have to catch up with.
But I'm getting there. I just have to be proactive about getting my work done and meeting up with people when I have time off.

Further more, I have started listening to some awesome music such as: Porcupine Tree, Ellie Goulding, Adele, I'm still listening to Iron and Wine, Paper Kites every now and then, I rediscovered Frou Frou which is FLIPPING COOL!!!!!! Uuuuum what else... I have quite a bit of new music and haven't gotten around to listening to half of it but I'll get there.



Alright and the last thing I just wanted to mention before I wrap this up is:
THE FRIEND ZONE!

I have always found this really hilarious, but I only ever heard it referred to as: "The Friend Zone" in meme's. In Gulliver's Travels (2010) Jack Black refers to it as the "Friendship Lagoon" and says: Yeah. Friendship Lagoon. It blows! You’re gonna be like ‘“Oh yeah, it’s cool, man. We’re friends. It’s great. I’m cool with that.” And you won’t be cool with that. And it kills you inside! 

Hahaha. Its funny because ITS TRUE! Yay for the Friend Zone!

Urban Dictionary refers to the Friend Zone as: What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, "You're such a good friend". Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Verb tense is "Friend-ed".

I don't know about you, but I have inadvertently friend-zoned people, and in turn I have also been friend-zoned. Yes, girls get friend-zoned too, as you'll see in the hilarious example below.
I think I find the Friend Zone thing so funny because its such a common thing that happens in life but no one ever really talks about it in terms of being "friend-zoned". Well we should start doing it!
Its funny. I mean, at first its not really that funny, but it is after a while!
And wouldn't it be cool to be able to joke about it with the people you have friend-zoned and who have friend-zoned you????

Its like... BOOM! YOU JUST GOT FRIEND ZONED!
Snap.

This picture is my favourite: I cannot even tell you the amount of times I have told guys that we should be best friends. I still do it now. Guys just make better best friends for me. Its not exactly a Friend Zone thing though.. I don't think.. But I'm actually not sure... Bahahaha! Its so funny though, so laugh about it like I do!








Oh, and p.s- I am going to Auckland this weekend to see Taylor Swift in concert! YAY EXCITING! And no joke, when I get back I'm seriously going to lay off the Taylor Swift music. The songs I write sound too much like her and I want my music to go in a new direction. Here's hoping it works!!!

My Summer In Kaitaia Is O.V.A.H. Finished. Burrito

My summer is over again for another year.

I feel like I have posted on this blog more this summer than last, but I don't know if I actually have, and let's be honest, I am too lazy to check if that actually is the case. And I'm hoping whoever you are who's reading this isn't so hung up on facts that you're going to go check... Haha nah I'm only kidding you can if you really want to... :-P

So my Summer. Well. It's always interesting/a challenge.

When I first left Dunedin back in November I was SOOOO EXCITED to come home. I'd been having a hard time and I just wanted to get away from everyone and everything and just be by myself. I find that if I don't get alone time things can get very bad very fast. Plus I was missing my dogs a lot and my Dad had been telling me that Sheba wasn't doing well so I was very anxious to get back before anything happened to her.
This time before I wen't back I even managed to keep the exact date of my return a secret from my Dad. He continually asked when I'd be back, and I told him I was coming home a week later than I actually would be.
He didn't suspect a thing!!!!
I told my Mum and my brother that I wanted to surprise my Dad so they didn't say anything.
Then when I walked in the house on the 2nd of November, my Dad had absolutely no idea.
I just walked into the lounge and greeted him with the usual: "Oh herro" that we use whenever he phones me.
It was SO AWESOME! He just stared at me and asked what the heck I was doing there. HAHAHA! Priceless.

Anyway so that was one of my highlights of this Summer. It was also cool to go to my friend Briar's 21st and  to catch up with people on my epic journey back down south. I really enjoyed Film Project and hanging out with all the super cool people I met there too. I wasn't 100% thrilled to come back to Kaitaia after Film Project but I have really tried to make the best of it. While most of my days have been long and uneventful and leave me feeling somewhat depressed, there have been others that have been tons of fun and make me realise how blessed I am.

I cannot stress enough how much I have loved spending time with the dogs. They are so amazing and it sucks that I only get a few months with them a year. There have been many intrepid journeys to various parts on the farm, and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. It has been fun getting to help my Mum out with stuff on the farm as well, talking about trees and plants with her, and just spending time with her in a way that means we don't have to talk a whole lot. When we are out planting trees or cutting down Chinese Privet, we are just focusing on the task at hand. She doesn't try to get any information out of me or interrogate me about boys or anything, she just lets me tell her stuff if I want to. I think that's a good way to be.

My family bonds through watching TV shows and movies so it has been good to watch a couple movies with them. We watched Johnny English 2 the other night, which I had already seen but the moment I saw it I knew that I wanted to watch it with my Dad because I figured he would really enjoy it. And he did! Moments like that are what I want my Summer to be about.

I have had a few... heated discussions with my Dad about things. He is starting to get sick of me now (he actually said that, even though I already knew), so it's good that I am going back to Dunedin. I think in future I should spend less than two months at home, unless I can get out more.
I think the reason my Dad and I blow up at each other is because we are really similar, and I know just what to say to make him even more angry. Poking the bear, perhaps? Hehe... He says he won't miss me but I know he's lying.
My mum says she is going to miss me a lot, but like I've said, its understandable for her to feel that way because I'm the only one who is interested in helping her. I'll miss her too though, she's so funny.

It's kind of weird that my Summer is over now. I didn't do a number of things that I wanted to.
I only wrote four songs, and compared with the quality of the seven I wrote last Summer I think I could have done better, but oh well. It's not like I didn't try!

I also wanted to get some painting done, but I never got around to it.
I painted the deck... But that doesn't count.

I spent most of my time alone. Playing guitar at least two hours a day. But I would like to give a shout-out to all the people who made an effort to make plans and hang out with me: Floris, Joella, Mariana, Lizaan, Emil, James, Chloe and Keron. You guys really made my days so much happier. I'll also give a mention to those who I hung out with in social settings, like Ruth G, Aroha, Jon-Paul, Lara, Roseanne and Jo-Ann. I really appreciate you guys :-)

I feel like this is a farewell speech or something. Hahahaha.

And also, I would also just like to thank the people who kept in contact with me over the course of this Summer. You know who you are. Without you I feel like I really would have drowned in a black pit of despair.. there were a few times where I thought I was going to :-P Am I being over-dramatic? Potentially. BUT MAYBE I'M NOT!

Tomorrow I will be back in Dunedin and starting my fourth and potentially final year of study at University. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! Should be a very fun-filled year.

I am conflicted about leaving though.
My Dad told me that he is going to put Sheba down after I leave so that really really sucks. I don't even want to think about it. I don't think that information has even really sunk in. I try to consider it, and it just doesn't get through to me. I mean, it's a pretty awful thing. I have known Sheba for the better part of 12 years. How can my Dad just decide that he is going to end her life? Ugh, it's soooooo sucky. But anyway, I could write a whole blog entry about that.


As I conclude this very long blog entry, I would also just like to thank you for reading. I don't know why anyone would but I feel very blessed to have people interested in what I have to say. So cheers! I hope I have somehow made it worth your while :)

Until next time, have a good one!