My Biggest Regret

It's going to be hard to follow the blog post I wrote last month!

Can't believe its had over 1,700 views (that is A LOT FOR ME!)

But I'm not trying to follow it. I'm just writing down how I feel, what I'm thinking, what's going on in my head, just like always.

I realise now that I internally process things on my blog most of the time, which sometimes leads to me writing stuff I probably shouldn't, but its always honest so I guess its not the WORST THING EVER... right?

So I thought I'd talk about my biggest regret.

I have been thinking about this a lot recently, maybe its because I'm married now and I've been thinking about my past decisions now that my actions implicate someone else (my husband).

Maybe I shouldn't write about this, but I'm going to anyway.

I regret what happened in 2012.

It seems like such a long time ago now.

I was in a weird place

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically?

Hahaha.

To better explain what I mean by the blanket statement "2012", I have talked about this a bit in the past, I got involved with someone that I should have avoided.

And its hard because this person lead me to my eventual husband, and an album full of songs, but I can't help but regret it.

I regret investing so much time and energy into my relationship with him.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed.

Really embarrassed.

I wish I could go back and not spend my entire year pining after this person who was never going to treat me the way I deserved.

It makes me feel sad. And yes, I did write some good songs about it (in my opinion), but I still honestly regret it.

You may think: Come on, Martinette! Regrets are for chumps! Don't regret anything!

But I think sometimes regrets are helpful, they help you grow and change.

They stop you making the same mistakes.

Its hard when this regretful year gave me some of my best creative musical work and also my eventual husband. 

It's like the worst stuff eventually turned into the best stuff.

I also regret not putting enough energy and passion into my music.

When things get hard, and it seems like people aren't interested in what I'm doing, I just stop trying.

I give up.

I start to pity myself.

I'll be honest, my album 'Sweeping Statements' has not been very successful. 

I spent a lot of my own money and time on getting it made but I have not had much feedback since I "released" it in October.

It makes me feel really down on myself.

As my blog post  here: ' http://girlthateatschips.blogspot.co.nz/2014/09/the-end-of-my-music.html ' will attest to. 

Oh Martinette, you're such a dramatic handful.

So yes. I will admit that sometimes I care what people think, and I care that not many people have paid the $15 that I have charged for the album.

I can see on my bandcamp page that the album IS being listened to, but I don't know who by. Or if they like what they are hearing. Or if the fact they can listen for free on bandcamp is the reason they haven't bought it.

I don't NEED people to buy it, but it would be nice.

Just to know that someone cares enough about my music to make the effort to buy it.

I regret not having a release party, or being more proactive in promoting it.

Just know this:

I am REALLY proud of this album.

And when I listen to it, I remember why I fell in love with music.

And why I love writing music.

And why I have stopped writing (because I feel like I have nothing left to say/people don't care what I have to say)

And then I regret what happened in 2012. But I'm also glad it happened.

If that makes any sense AT ALL.

I'm not rambling I swear.

So let me finish with this:

I would really REALLY appreciate it if people would give the album a listen. 

And if they like it, they could tell me.

You don't have to buy it, obviously, but it would mean a lot if you did.

Just so I'd know that you think its worth it.

And if you don't want to buy it on bandcamp, you could just tell me and I'd happily burn a CD for you.

Like an actual physical CD.

I'd write on the front of it with a Sharpie because that's how hipstery cool I am (hahahaha! Not really)

I am really grateful to all the wonderful people who have supported me over the years, both in my musical pursuits and just my life in general.

I know you all care about me, I guess I just need to be reminded that you still care about my music too. 

Thanks for reading.

You can experience the 2012ishness of my album here: https://martinette.bandcamp.com/

"They say an artist is only as good as his last piece. And so get to that masterpiece" - Eric Thomas, Thank God It's Monday. 

Why I Waited Til My Wedding Day

Hello Blog,



I spent quite a bit of time thinking about how I was going to write this and what a good title was.


I wanted something that would catch peoples attention, but without being sensationalistic or "holier-than-thou", which is worse in my opinion.


DISCLAIMER: I did not write this to make anyone feel bad about themselves.


If you are getting married and are no longer a virgin, I do not judge you in the slightest.
Whether you are a believer and follower of Jesus, or whether you are not, this is not to condemn you.




This is, simply, MY STORY.




I feel it is important that I share it, even if just to show people that its possible to withstand the urge and temptation of sex in a society that seems to be drenched in it.

I am 24 years old, and at the time of writing this, I am a virgin.

I will post the link to this blog once my wedding day has been and gone and I am no longer a virgin (LOL)

Yes its funny.

Yes, I laugh when people talk to me about sex.

And when Lyndon and I were buying things for the wedding night (for protection) I got all embarrassed and squirmy and wanted to run away.

I am 24 years old, I swear.




I guess I should explain how I went this long without engaging in.. well.. you know.


You may think the opportunity never arose.


Well, I'm sorry, but that just isn't true.


I had PLENTY of opportunities. Being alone with boys.
No one around. Kissing them. But it never escalated to sex, you know why?

Because I decided at a young age that it was important for me to wait.

I never told myself if I was in love and felt I was ready that I'd do it.

I was taught that it was the right thing to do, for me, to wait.

And I agreed with that. From my innermost being I believed that.





Maybe waiting to have sex isn't a big deal to you.

Maybe it doesn't mean much.



But I think it does.




As someone who believes in God and what He teaches us, I truly believe that it is in your best interest to wait.



I have done many things I'm not proud of.




I struggled with alcohol addiction at 19 years of age.

I involved myself in relationships that were in no way honouring to God.

I didn't "guard my heart" as some Christians will tell you that you have to do.

I fooled around and was careless at times and I drank way too much.

I threw my emotions at people and wrote angry songs.

But I never had sex.




Even when I was drunk and went home with a guy and made out with him on his bed for awhile, I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him.

Why?

Well. I just didn't want to.

I didn't want to be the girl who guys talked about hooking up with, and swapping stories with each other about how I was for them.

I didn't want anyone to call me "easy"

But most of all, I didn't want people to question my relationship with God.

Because "Christians are supposed to wait til marriage"????

Yes and no.




I'd just like to point out that my relationship with God hasn't always been smooth sailing.

During the peak of my problems with alcohol, God wasn't even really in the picture.

I was drinking all the time and experimented with drugs, but I still didn't have sex.




Fast forward to when I met Lyndon.

For the first time ever, I actually wanted to go back on my decision to wait.

I loved Lyndon more than I'd ever loved anyone, and though we danced around the boundary of what is appropriate for a Christian couple to be doing, we never had sex.

I hope he doesn't mind me saying this, but he REALLY wanted to.

And at times I did even more than him.

But in my moments of weakness, when I asked him if maybe we should just give up on waiting til marriage, Lyndon said "no".

Every other time, when Lyndon was questioning our decision, I would tell him that it was important to me that we didn't have sex til we were married.

And he would agree.




In my moment of weakness, Lyndon loved me enough to refuse me.


That's real love right there.



If Lyndon was less of a man, he might have been like "OK sure!"


And then we would have most likely regretted that decision.




I want to be an example to women that you don't have to have sex to fulfill any kind of need inside of you, whether it's for intimacy or acceptance, or whether you feel that giving sex is the only way you'll be able to receive love.



I have LOVED being a virgin for 24 years.

I love telling doctors and nurses and them not believing me.

I love not worrying about pregnancy or getting cervical smears or having to deal with birth control.

It has been AMAZING.


I also enjoy telling people I'm a virgin, if it ever comes up.

I'm proud of it.

I don't want to shove it in peoples faces and make them think that I'm better than them.

I feel the same way about my sobriety.

I'm not telling you not to drink, its just better for me that I don't drink,

It's better for me that I don't have premarital sex.



I'm not holding my virginity hostage, I'm not denying my natural urges for sexual gratification, I'm simply holding onto a decision I made as a young girl.



I would not give my virginity to anyone who was not my husband.

I saved myself for him.

I worked hard.

It wasn't always easy to wait, have I mentioned that already?


But I am SO glad I did.




I really don't believe we were created to have multiple sexual partners, that is not what sex was designed for. Sex is meant to be between two people who love each other.


Take the God aspect out of the equation, and you might still agree with me.



You don't have to be a Christian to agree with my standpoint.


A lot of trauma and pain can result in behaving promiscuously.


I just want people to see that it can be done.




Even if you are in love and planning on getting married, you can still wait.

I've been with Lyndon for almost two years, engaged for over one of those, and I am still a virgin.

I have slept in beds next to boys, who have expected sex from me and who I have refused.



I used to wear a purity ring on my finger before I snagged it on a door and it bent out of shape.

My dad gave it to me when I was 17.



The ring didn't keep me from having sex, it just reminded me of the reasons why I had decided not to.

My parents raised me to believe that sex was special and should be saved for marriage.

Sure, I could have rebelled and done whatever I wanted, but I actually agreed with what they were saying.


I was going to wait.


And even when it got difficult, I still waited.



And now I have done it.




I don't expect congratulations from anyone. That's not what this is about.


I just want to make myself an example to say: YOU CAN DO IT TOO!






And even if you have had premarital sex before, you can still wait til you're married, if you want.



I believe in you.



p.s- I am writing this after my wedding day. I am no longer a virgin (as you may have expected) and I have to say, I don't actually feel any different. It doesn't feel like my eyes have been opened and I understand the world a little bit better now. So it just shows, people feel like virginity is something to get rid of. Maybe you should hold on to it for a little longer? There really is no rush. :)

Oh and since you're already here, why don't you mosey on over to my Bandcamp page and listen to me sing some songs? ---> https://martinette.bandcamp.com/
Thaaaaanks!!!!!

The Downside To Being Overly Organised

Greetings friends,


This will be my last post as an un-married woman, although I think I may write another one and just post it after the fact.

I feel a bit strange writing about the wedding on my 'Girl That Eats Chips' blog, but I REALLY can't be bothered writing another one for the wedding blog too, so I'll just link this one to that one BADDA-BING BADDA-BOOM WE'RE IN THE BUSINESS!


So anyway.

I'm kinda all over the place about what to write.
I know I had some ideas but they've kinda gone out the window now. (I have since decided what I'm gonna write about, hahaha)

It's only 10 days til the wedding.

I would describe my current feeling as: Asieriuhekmnaslxm;LMSOIJWHKAJNBmnabjSHVGHADR.

I'm sure you all know what I mean.


So I've been engaged for over a year now, and I have been organising the wedding since before I got engaged (only by a week but still).

It has been, thus far, pretty easy.

But some things have NOT been easy, and quite recently I have become quite frustrated with a few things and borderlined on becoming a Bridezilla (something I've been trying to avoid).

I've found that there are downsides to being overly organised in regards to a wedding.




1. Making a Guest List A Year In Advance Isn't The Best Idea 

I found that there was a pretty large number of people that I decided to un-invite during the course of the year of being engaged. If Lyndon and I had gotten married within five months of being engaged, I am pretty certain that these people, who I'm not really friends with anymore, would have been at the wedding. And sure, you could say that maybe we would have remained friends because the situation would have been different, but maybe not.

At the end of the day, I am glad I know who my real friends are, and I am more than happy with my guest list, but I still wish Lyndon and I could have saved time and awkwardness sending out Save the Date cards to people we would have to end up un-inviting.




2. Confirming Guest Lists Months In Advance Is Stupid

I didn't know this at the time, but turns out people will be dropping out of your wedding as close as two weeks before your wedding, even though they RSVP'd as coming.

I finally understand now why people don't usually ask for RSVP's until two or three weeks before the wedding. I thought it was stupid, because I always figured I'd have my whole wedding planned at least a month in advance. Turns out what I did was stupid. I confirmed everyone at the end of November (a little over three months from the wedding date) and have since had a massive number of people tell me they actually can't make it.

I had all the name tags and seating charts and decorations for tables completely done, only to have to throw out the name tags of people who were no longer coming and re-do my hand-written seating chart.

The amount of times I've had to re-write the seating chart is no longer funny.

I think it's fine to send out Save the Dates and/or invitations as early as you want, but if I could go back I would ask for my RSVP's a month in advance AT THE EARLIEST.




3. People You Have to Deal With Aren't As Onto It As You Are

It is difficult. The few times I've gotten genuinely upset during wedding planning was because the people I was dealing with were extremely hard to get hold of/didn't give me the information I wanted/were just generally unhelpful.

It's funny because even thought I really believe I have been as organised as humanly possible, I'm still being stuffed around by some of my wedding organisers and there is actually NOTHING I can do about that.

My advice to any engaged people is, try your BEST to be as organised as you can.
The truth is, you will most likely have to deal with people who make you want to tear your hair out, but as long as everything is organised and running smoothly on your end, hopefully you can avoid a breakdown.

There have been a few moments where if I hadn't have been to on top of everything, I would have had a meltdown.

People suck. They don't care if they don't get back to you about something.
Your panic and stress does not faze them.

I am STILL waiting for an email from one of my organisers, I was meant to have it two weeks ago. Still don't. I'm not stressing about it, but it does irritate me.




4. You Doubt Your Decisions




These are our wedding colours: Pearl and Turquoise. AKA: White and Blue.

I have second guessed my decision of having these as our wedding colours more than a few times over the last year.

That's the problem with having to make decisions and stick with them for an extended period of time, you wonder if you made the right choice.
Lyndon and I picked turquoise and pearl because Lyndon's birthstone is pearl and mine is turquoise so we were being cute when we picked them as our colours. It means something to us, more than just the fact that we both really like blue. Because we do really like blue. But it's more than that.




5. The General Questions Of "How's The Wedding Planning Going?" Gets Pretty Tedious

Most/hopefully the majority of my Social Media friends should know that I finished planning my wedding at the end of January/very start of February.

Yes, I am very organised. People like to tell me that, I guess I'll have to agree. I planned the wedding like this on purpose because I get stressed very easily.

The fact that it's less than two weeks til the wedding and I'm STILL getting people asking me how the planning is going is getting a little annoying and unoriginal.

I want to yell: I FINISHED A MONTH AGO ACTUALLY!!!!!!!!

I usually just say in a slightly snarky tone: I finished a month ago.

But you can't really blame them for asking because I always asked my engaged friends the same thing.

The DIFFERENCE here is that most brides don't have their weddings organised a month in advance like I did. I feel like I'm in a rare section of brides. Maybe I'm not. I don't really know.

In my experience, most brides leave their planning up until the day before, if not the day of, them getting married.



But I am just ranting now.



If I could go back and do things differently, maybe I would have suggested that Lyndon propose to me a little earlier than seven months into our relationship.

We knew we were getting married after one month of being together.


I always wanted to get married in Autumn, hence our wedding is in March.


But there's no point wondering "What If?"



So many people I know have gotten engaged after Lyndon and me, and married quite a while before us.

I have watched girls go through the experience of getting engaged and planning their weddings, and then actually GET MARRIED, all the while I've just been sitting there, with my own engagement ring on my finger, just waiting.


I wouldn't recommend being engaged for a year.

It's too long.

There are some upsides, but at the end of the day, you don't need a year to plan a wedding.


Lyndon and I could have gotten married at the end of January, as that was when I had finished everything (this includes months of not really doing anything from when we got engaged in Feb 2014)



I could have planned it all in less than 11 months.




But anyway.

I'm just babbling now.

I will leave this blog here.

I hope you have somewhat enjoyed it or learnt something.



I don't know, I feel like my writing has gotten worse over the last few months hahaha.




But thanks for reading anyway.





xxx